People Skills to Improve Your Relationships, Dramatically

Chapter 4

The Interruption,

A flagrant MakeFeelBad!

    Don’t interrupt!: Unnecessarily interrupting is one of the most galling things that people can do when they’re supposed to be listening. About the only breaches of sound interrelating that are as rude or crass as interruptions are some mentioned in the previous chapter as violations of sound listening.

    In contrast to them, the interrupters’ abuses are inflicted somewhat differently. These persons let you start to talk but then won’t let you continue. Whether it stems from their impatience, ignorance, their egos not wanting you to have the floor, or whatever, they stop your flow. They disrupt.

    Sometimes this springs strictly from that malady discussed in chapter three, inadequate, discourteous listening.  A speaker starts to talk.  But as soon as something about the subject pops into the listener's mind, attention goes out the window. Listening comes to a screeching halt.  Out bursts an interruption.  It's what the "listener" wants to say on the matter.  Here's a terse illustration:

Marion to Harold:  "Hey, last night I made a copy of the video tape that I have been taking of my kids for the past two years. It's the tape where a crazy thing happened on our vacation last year.  The kids were eating when . . ."

Harold, cutting in:  "Say, I've got a question for you."

       Marion:  "About what happened to the kids?" 

Harold:  "No, I want to know if you'll copy one for me.  I need a copy of a tape that I have of my kids.  I want to send it to my parents."  Can you do that for me?"

    Obviously, Harold is being inconsiderate, discourteous, and a few other things.  And he's probably driving Marion up a wall.  Anyway, later in this chapter, this type of break-in will be discussed further.  And for those who are prone to commit this breach, a remedy will be suggested.

    Most times though, interrupters are trying to read your mind. Or in reality, they’re guessing what you’re going to say and then trying to debunk it or shoot it down before you can say it. Their ostensible justification is that your intended words or ideas are useless, no good, or won’t work.

    A typical such interrupter’s thinking is "I’m saving us both time in stopping you. I don’t have to listen to you, and you don’t have to say it. So, why don’t you just forget it?"

    Many times the guess about what you are going to say is off target. You intend to say something else. But it’s too late, the harm is done. The break-in can brutalize not only your thought, but your self-worth. And unless it’s critically important, you do the interrupter’s bidding. You stop and clam up.

    So that can be the dire result of that kind of break-in.  Your inner-self  says: "This person doesn’t think that what I say is important or worth a hoot. I guess it isn’t. Maybe I’m just not worth listening to."

    That’s what can happen to a victim. The interrupter’s boorish conduct can take that kind of toll.

    And since such behavior is so blatantly wrong, why in the world do people do it? Well, as mentioned, impatience is one reason. They are unwilling to spend the time or afford the talker the courtesy of listening. They don’t want to be bothered.

    This mental state reeks of disrespect for speakers. And that’s exactly the message they get. It can devastate relationships.

    But sometimes the motivation is pure impatience with no disrespect intended. Sentence-finishers are typical. These people so teem with impatience that they impulsively finish sentences for others. That is, they try to finish them, because often they're out in left field. And even if they do guess right, they still peeve speakers. So, it’s a revolting habit, a MakeFeelBad.

    And then we have mind-reader disrupters who are just plain know-it-alls.  They think they know everything you’re going to say. In essence, when they interrupt you, they’re saying, "You can’t tell me anything I don’t already know. So, drop it." Wow! As asinine as that sounds, some people do think that way.

    Thus, obviously, interrupters who think they can read minds are dillies. But others equally harmful also exist.

    One group that particularly sticks in the bark is that bunch who commit cardinal sins of good listening. As mentioned, they are discussed in chapter three, the Listen Well / Respond Well, MakeFeelGood section. 

    They’re the characters who, while someone is talking, look at magazines, glance back and forth from TV, turn on can openers and garbage disposals, or walk away from and turn their backs on speakers. Such antics interrupt just as effectively as words.

    Thus, those jerks really belong to two flocks: (1) the lousy listeners, and (2) the ill-mannered interrupters. They’re both tacky.

The butt in type

    To that second-nasty group, add the type person who butts in on a conversation. When an adult does this, blame two or more persons: (1) the one who breaks in, and (2) those who permit it.

    Often these "butt-inners" are children. For this, we should denounce only the adults. By permitting this, adults are committing two wrongs. They are offending speakers and neglecting their duties to teach children proper manners.

    Here’s a typical situation: You’re telling Bill, your neighbor, about a perplexing-neighborhood problem. Your time is limited. But you need Bill’s understanding and help. It is critical.

    While you’re talking, Teddy, Bill’s ten-year-old, breaks in. He starts to tell his dad about something going on at school. Bill and Teddy then enter a lengthy colloquy about the project. They ignore your presence. You want to walk away. But you patiently endure the transgression until it finally ends almost five minutes later.

    So why do some parents commit such breaches of courtesy? Why don’t they tell their children to butt out?

    Well, in Bill’s case, he’s probably a proud dad showing off his son. Bill’s trying to impress you. And in doing that, he’s missing an opportunity to teach Teddy some manners. And to you, he’s being inconsiderate and discourteous.

    Yes, Bill’s conduct is indefensible. And so is that of line stealers, the thieves. "Good heavens, tell me about them," you say. Well, here are two illustrations:

    Thief one, Richard: He and Sheila, husband and wife, are dining with friends, Melissa and Brian. The couples are exchanging tidbits about their recent doings. When Sheila gets a chance to talk, she starts to tell a thoroughly funny thing that happened to Richard and her when they were on vacation.

    Before she can get out her second sentence, Richard breaks in. He then tells the story.

    He has a habit of doing this. Sheila is creative. She gets an idea to say something entertaining or interesting. She starts to express it. Richard will preempt her, steal her lines, and take over the telling. This happens regularly.

    This is because Richard seldom has anything original to say. He’s neither innovative nor resourceful. So, as he sees it, to be an interesting conversationalist, he just has to have material. And Sheila has a wifely duty to furnish it.

    Supposedly, that’s not stealing her thunder. "I’m just exercising my espousal right," he thinks. Sure, sure, Richard, but in the process you’re a gross interrupter.

    And this particular time you are humiliating your wife. You’re in essence saying: "Hey, Sheila, let me tell this story, because you’re going to blow it. Yes, Melissa and Brian, Sheila doesn’t explain things very well."

    Thief two, Barbara: She and Jane are chatting. Jane tells her about a new medication to prevent breast cancer that she heard about on TV that morning. Jane follows with: "I think that soon . . . " Barbara cuts her off and takes off on the subject. At length, she expresses her thoughts and opinions about the matter. Jane is left with her tongue hanging out, so to speak.

    So, Barbara, in essence, is saying to Jane: "Boy, that’s a darn good topic. Why don’t you shut up? I’m taking over. I can do a much better job on this than you." That’s her mind-set that supposedly justifies her larceny.

    Some people do this regularly. They delude themselves that the persons from whom they plagiarize topics and ideas will overlook their crime. The stealers think that they are judged only by what they say and not by what they do. Of course, that’s fantasy. Logically, people do not tolerate well expressions that evolve from thoughts stolen from them.

    Thus, in Barbara and Jane’s exchange, Barbara ends up doing all the talking. But no one is really listening. Jane is still there but now no longer perceives anything. That’s because she’s so preoccupied in her ire. She is seething! And you can imagine what she now thinks of Barbara.

    So, it’s fairly obvious that line stealing raises Cain with relationships.

    Question: Is there anything you can do when you’re interrupted? With a child, yes, you can do something. Unless it’s urgent, as suggested in the example of Bill, you should tell the child to wait. This is good training for a youngster.

    But with adults, it’s not so easy. If practical, depending on circumstances, you can ask the interrupter, as delicately as possible, "May I finish, please?"

    That tactic won’t work, however, if you’re an attorney doing battle in the courtroom. The other side often interrupts you. It’s an attack-mechanism to derail and upset you. That’s the point of this mention. An interruption can devastate concentration, momentum, and continuity.

    And sometimes a break-in will give you the sinking feeling, "Where is the nearest table to crawl under." I remember too well one such moment for me.

    As a trial attorney from Michigan, I was attending a Trial Lawyers Association seminar in New Orleans. The guest-speaker was another attorney from Michigan. He was most prominent nationally.

    At a reception before the program started, I introduced myself to him. At that time, the Michigan Supreme Court was deciding a crucial case of mine on arbitration. I wanted to hear this attorney’s opinion on the issue. He graciously consented. He asked me for details.

    I started to give them when suddenly the person in charge of the program walked up. He stood between the attorney and me and blurted out to him: "Harry, I’d like you to meet a friend of mine." He took him by the arm and lead him away.

    He did this with arrogant nonchalance. It was replete with a disdainful glance at me. He seemed to be saying to me: "Because you’re a nobody, I can do this to you." As the saying goes, I felt "about yea high."

    That grim moment shows how demeaning interruptions can be. And, how helpless you can be left. In my case, the rude interloper had made his move so quickly that Harry was gone, boom! No time was left for anything but humiliation.

    Be a good Samaritan: Let’s say that you, Alicia, and Angie are discussing something heard on the news. Alicia starts to express an opinion on the subject, and suddenly Angie cuts her off. Angie then forces you and Alicia to listen to her thoughts on the matter.

    When Angie finishes a few minutes later, you turn to Alicia and say: "Alicia, you were starting to tell us something. I’d like to hear it. Please tell us."

    Saying that to her accomplishes two things:

    If more third parties would do this, it would go a long way to harness interrupters.

    Now let’s cover some miscellaneous points:

    Let persons finish even if you’ve already heard what they’re about to tell you. Unless time is critical, don’t interrupt someone with "I’ve already heard that." What good does that do? It only causes embarrassment.

    In this vein, picture this boorish behavior and its repugnance: In a group of four persons, a showoff-type interrupts another who is telling a joke. The boor breaks in by disclosing the joke’s punch lines.

    Doing this in effect says: "Hey stupid, don’t you know everyone knows that joke?" This gets laughs. But they’re costly laughs. They turn the victim’s face a flushed red.

    And you can imagine how low that makes someone feel. Also, for our purposes here, think about where that jerk and those who joined in the laughs now stand with the humiliated person.

    So, hear it again! No matter how old the joke or how often you’ve heard something, patiently, courteously listen again. People will love you for this.

    If something comes to mind that relates to what a person is talking about, don’t interrupt to ask or say something like Harold did to Marion about the tape copy.  Save your point and make it when the speaker is through.

    "But I might forget," you say. Well, if a pen and paper are handy, inconspicuously jot the matter down while listening. That’s the ideal situation like when you‘re sitting at a desk while someone is talking to you.

    Or when you’re talking on the telephone, you often can do that. Like most persons you likely keep a pad and pencil near your telephone. So, while the other person is speaking, you scribble just enough to jog your memory about your points. Then, when the other person has finished, you have your say. You don’t have to interrupt to get your points in. And that’s something!

    But in many conversations you won’t be able to make notes. Writing materials won’t be handy, or taking notes would be awkward or inappropriate. This increases temptation to interrupt so you won’t forget. So, what can you do? Well, you learn to make mental notes. Doing this with adequate recall is a valuable skill. You have to develop it. It requires a lot of practice. Do it in unimportant scenarios as often as possible.

    For example, have someone read something to you for about two minutes. In the first minute, think of something you want to say about that subject after the person is through. Etch it in your mind, and still try to pay attention. It’s difficult. But it is great training.

    And when it counts sometime, your practicing will pay off. After a speaker has finished, you skillfully will recall points that came to you while you were listening. It will be just like you had jotted down notes. You will have listened well, not interrupted, and still made your critical points. That’s the way to do it.

    Never break in with a different matter. Usually when you do this, you regard your subject more important than the speaker’s. You commit this vice, because you’re plagued with the above mentioned bugaboo, "If I don’t, I’ll forget."

    Yes, barring an emergency, don’t do it. For example, when the speaker is in the middle of telling you what the lawyer said, don’t say: "Oh, Joe called about the car deal." Or, "Hey, look at that gorgeous blue car across the street!"

    And interrupting with that type of abrupt subject change can drive someone up a wall. It can decimate flow, concentration. And it also can throw for a loss the best laid plans of expressing crucial concepts.

    This happens too often! You’re starting to tell something important. The other person abruptly changes the subject. When the interrupter finishes, you rack your brain for what you were about to say. You draw a blank. You only know that it was something important.

    But let’s say you do remember it. You still pay a price. You no longer have timing, and this, of course, affects the impact of what you were going to say. Sometimes, you just drop the matter. Yes, that’s how costly this type of interruption can be.

    Now, if you’re one of those who now and then commit this offense, what’s the solution? Well, use the skill mentioned above of making written or mental notes. Then, when that can’t-wait-matter tempts you to interrupt, hold it! Etch the thought and store it. When the speaker finishes, mention it.

    Also, never break in to make an unimportant correction. For example, consider how disruptive and annoying something like this is:

Lydia: "Remember, last Friday, I was trying to figure out the expense arrangements for the upcoming banquet. Then at 10:00, Jerry walked into the office and said the price for the food should be. . . ."

                Tony (interrupting): "It was not 10:00. It was 10:30."

    And here’s another example, equally irritating and maybe even more so, because it also belittles:

Cynthia: "I think it’s important that we discuss the rules that the president inferred that we should enforce when he talked to us last week. What do you think about number . . . ."

Sidney (interrupting): "Cynthia, the correct word is ‘implied.’ The president implied that we should enforce those rules. We’re the ones who did the inferring. The president did the implying. You should learn the difference between those words."

    Obviously, neither correction is important enough to justify interrupting. The fact that Jerry came into the office thirty minutes later than Lydia says doesn’t affect the point that she was going to make. And how important is Cynthia’s error in diction as to the president’s feelings about the rules?

    Thus many people have a penchant to interrupt with pointless corrections. Such rebukes are rude and make speakers feel like two cents.

    Avoid sudden diversions of your attention:  A most disturbing thing is to suddenly turn your head away from a speaker and look agape at something. You might as well break in with words. The result is the same. You throw sand in the speaker’s gears. You’re telling her or him that you’re no longer listening. Barring emergencies, this is a no-no.

    By now, hopefully, you see the common fallout that all adult-interrupters — those who should know better — cause. In varying degrees, their interruptions negatively affect the self-images of persons they break in on.

    That’s the nub of the abuse. It makes people feel bad about themselves. And this hurts both parties in a relationship, the interrupter and the speaker.

    So, unless there's an urgency involved, or it's vital to understand or clarify what persons are talking about, curb any tendency to interrupt.  All the above should help you determine if you have this problem. If you do, work on it!

copyright 2000 by Frank F.Loomis III, J.D., all rights reserved.