People Skills to Improve Your Relationships, Dramatically

    By that I don’t mean what Clint Eastwood in Dirty Harry wanted the bad guy to do for him. I mean make someone’s day with a sincere compliment.

    Typically, here’s what can happen:

    After telling some nice lady how lovely her hair or dress looks, she gleefully blurts out: "Oh, you, sweet thing, you’ve made my day." Yes, we’re all familiar with that type of delightful reaction.

    But we’re not familiar enough! Simply because we just don’t compliment as much as we should.

    And it’s such an easy way to make someone feel good. So why don’t we do it more often? What holds us back?

    Well, answers do exist. And if you learn about some of them, hopefully, this will help you quell the reluctance that plagues most of us. It hampers relationships.

Envy

    Some people don’t compliment because they’re envious. Jim doesn’t tell Bruce what a nice looking suit he’s wearing. His own suit is nowhere near as attractive or stylish. And by not complimenting Bruce, Jim thinks he’s de-emphasizing Bruce’s suit.

    On the other hand, if he says something nice about it, he’s giving it even more attention. And that’s the last thing he wants.

    Of course, Jim’s thinking does not make much sense. But that’s what emotion can do to a person.

    Another emotion that keeps people from complimenting is jealousy. Because it’s more intense, it can be more harmful than envy. Here’s a typical situation that many of us encounter:

    The Joneses have just purchased a new living room-suite of furniture. It’s expensive, beautiful, and matches the decor of their home extraordinarily.

    Objectively, someone could go on and on about how outstanding the furniture is. But that person is not Beth, the Joneses’ "good" friend.

    After barely a glimpse at the new suite, Beth says: "Gee, new furniture. How nice." That’s it. That’s all she says about it.

    Then, wham, she changes the subject. So, it’s obvious that Beth is livid green with jealousy. She makes this so apparent that she miffs the Joneses. They’d like to tell her to get lost.

    Another reason some people don’t compliment is that their self-esteem is at a low ebb. That is, they fail to express admiration because to do so lowers their opinions of themselves.

    The patterns that follow are typical:

    Joe is a public relations writer for a school. The institution has been initiating a new learning project that has triggered opposition in the newspaper. In his press releases, thus far, Joe has failed to rebut this adequately.

    But Alice, a disinterested observer, does just that. In an article that she writes and sends the newspaper, she cogently defends the school’s project. Her piece is well written, organized, and most important, convincing. The paper publishes it.

    So, Joe writes Alice. He thanks her for the article. But conspicuously, nary a word does he pen about what an outstanding writer she is.

    Now what does this omission say? First of all, it says that Joe knows that Alice did what he could not. It also says that he knows that she’s a better writer than he.

    Moreover, a compliment would be admitting exactly that. And his opinion of himself as a writer would suffer. So, that’s Joe’s rationalization for not complimenting Alice. His low self-esteem is the key.

    Now, here’s another. It’s somewhat different but still involves an ego-problem:

    Pierre is a person of French descent, born in America. His parents were raised in France. Though they now live in Maine, they don’t speak English.

    When Pierre was a child, naturally, only French was spoken in his home. Thus, it’s Pierre’s first language. And, of course, he later learned English in school. So he’s fluent in both languages.

    Anyway, Pierre and David, a Californian, become internet buddies. By email, they write each other regularly in French.

    Ten years ago, David took up French as a hobby. He took a few classes, but mostly learned the language by reading, listening to cassettes, and devoting hours and hours in study.

    In that brief time, David has achieved a remarkable degree of fluency in French for someone with no such roots. With amazing clarity, he writes beautifully and correctly in the language.

    Well, by now, no doubt you have guessed the scenario. In his letters to David, Pierre never compliments him on his French. Not a word does he say about it. He does, however, commend David about other things.

    Does this mean that he doesn’t admire David’s French? No. It only means that Pierre’s ego is bruised by David’s proficiency. "Here I’ve been raised with French, and this guy can write it better, express it better, and even use better grammar than I. That bugs me."

    So that’s Pierre’s thinking. And that’s why David gets no compliments from him.

    Now here’s a final pattern:

    Bob has just bought a brand-spanking-new Mustang convertible. He can hardly wait for his buddy, Tom, to see it this afternoon. So to knock Tom in the kisser with the car, Bob parks it right in front of his house.

    Tom shows up and gives the Mustang a cursory glance. He then says to Bob: "Hmm! Nice, but I like Dodges. They’re a better deal. That’s what I am going to buy. I think they’re the best looking convertibles on the road." And dogmatically he adds, "They’re better built!"

    So, as you’ve no doubt concluded, Tom’s the type that can always buy better and smarter than you. He’s an I-can-do-anything-better-than-you-can or whatever-you’ve-got-I’ve-got-better guy. And usually this type also bitingly tells you: "Oh, by the way, you paid way too much!"

    That last one is a killer! Nothing can make you feel worse than hearing that, just after you’ve bought something. But it happens and happens, because out there are zillions of "Toms."

    Examples could go on. You probably could add a few. But by now, no doubt you see their common thread, a self-worth problem.

    By complimenting you, or commenting positively on your possession, talent, or something you have done, in such persons’ minds they put themselves down. Compliments remind them that they don’t have what you have or haven’t done what you have. That bothers them.

    But these people are deluding themselves. They believe that by giving short shrift to, depreciating, or ignoring good things, they strip them of impact, reality.

    That is, Jim puts Bruce’s old suit back on him. Beth takes away the Joneses’ new furniture. Alice’s writing does not outshine Joe’s. As it should be, Pierre’s French is better than David’s. And Bob doesn’t have a snazzy Mustang that shows-up Tom’s jalopy.

    Such are the irrational motivations of persons who fail to compliment because of their inability to accept reality. What reality? Well, the fact that they and everyone at some time will be surpassed in achievement, talent, or possession. So be it!

    Some don’t compliment when they should, because they don’t always notice things. For example, there’s the husband who doesn’t note his wife’s pretty-new haircut. How disappointing! "Maybe, he doesn’t like it," she thinks.

    Not true! He’s just not being alert!

    But he is being just like a lot of us, including this writer. We need to work on this problem.

    The remedy: You constantly have to be alert for new things regarding persons important to you. That is, you must notice their new clothes, hair styles, new things that they’ve done ("You put up some new pictures!"), et cetera. Then, you must tell them how much you like those things.

    So, be observant!

    Now the above patterns show unacceptable, even zany reasons why persons don’t compliment. But some don’t do it for a far more respectable, understandable reason. They’re just plain shy.

    Yes, many persons are that way. They’re not jealous, envious, or worried about their self-esteem. And they do notice good things. But they just have a hard time getting themselves to compliment.

    Anyway, if for any reason you don’t do it like you should, you’re missing the boat to enrich your relationships. So, fight, overcome whatever holds you back and just do it!

    Yes, do it! Make someone’s day. And watch the magic of a face lighting up. See that ear-to-ear grin. Disarm even an ornery person with a timely, sincere compliment.

    And add spice to your words with details. This adds believability and earnestness.

    For example, if you like your neighbor’s new car, tell her why you like it. That is, detail your likes. The color is a knockout, or you marvel at the quality of the interior, et cetera. This way your neighbor will believe you and not think you’re just buttering her up.

    And remember, compliments can be about things incredibly simple, like an infectious smile. Tell her or him! Why not? What can you lose?

    Nothing! And as I say, and will say over and over here, when you tell people nice things about them, you give them a compelling reason to like you.

    You’re making them feel good. So teach yourself, discipline yourself, to give sincere compliments regularly.

    Yes, put this MakeFeelGood, to work for you.  It's an awesome tool!

 copyright 2000 by Frank F.Loomis III, J.D., all rights reserved.